PARENT'S PEEK is an online newsletter that keeps parents in touch with today's teen culture and empowers them to be better parents.
Series: What Teens Say About..."Lecturing"
Quite often, parents bring their teens into my office in the hopes of figuring out why their teens won’t open up to them. Over time, I’ve discovered several techniques that parents use to inadvertently shut down the communication between them and their teen. The affect: a strained relationship and a dysfunctional communication culture that’s hard to undo. In this newsletter, I want to share some thoughts that will help you discover the best ways to communicate with your kid regardless of the topic or the feeling it evokes.
One of the most detrimental communication techniques parents use is lecturing. Lecturing is usually characterized by a one-way conversation where the parent tries to deliver a message or explain why some course of action is right or wrong. Lecturing feels like a broken record; it’s like hearing the same old thing a thousand times. For most teens, lecturing is sure to result in a brick wall that’s impossible to break through. Likewise, many teens have revealed to me their feelings of frustration as their parents’ words rain down upon them. Teens may not have a physical place to run, so they slam the door between your voice and their consciousness. Many times, parents are completely unaware they've entered "lecture-mode" and their teen, although physically present, is tuning out and only hearing the vague drone of their parent’s voice. Of course, this leaves you, the parent, feeling hurt and rejected.
Is There Another Way?
So, here’s the million dollar question: how does a parent get through to their teen at critical moments? Just as you find yourself beginning to lecture, think for a moment what it’s like to be lectured at. Then, ask yourself this most important question: is there another way I can present my message that will feel less threatening? If you’re not sure where to go from here, you’re not alone.
Where to Start
The first place to start is to determine why you’re lecturing in the first place. What do you want to accomplish? For most parents, the answer lies in one of these two key issues: the parent wants to share their feelings about the teen’s behavior, or the parent wants to prevent their teen from making poor choices.
Expressing Feelings
Let’s start with expressing feelings because this is where the breakdown normally occurs in most communication situations. Most people, especially teenagers, feel threatened with phrases that include words like “you are”, “you do” or “you always”. Consider altering your language to reflect the fact that you’re discussing how you perceive the teen’s behavior and the way it makes you feel. For instance, instead of saying “You hurt me every time you slam the door in my face,” try an “I” statement such as “I feel hurt every time you slam the door in my face.” Using “I” statements take the accusatory “lecturing” tone away from your demeanor which makes it a lot easier for your teen to stay focused on the situation rather than how threatened they feel at any given moment. It also gives them the chance to ask questions about why you feel like the door’s been slammed as well as offer any hints that can help you communicate with them in the future.
Many parents lament that watching their children make decisions can be a painful process; it’s hard to stand by and watch teens make decisions that may not be in their best interest. So, how do you, as a parent, find creative, non-lecturing ways to impart your wisdom or help them make the right choice? The answer lies in the questions you ask. In my practice I’ve noticed the power of asking questions. This same technique has been used over centuries by the most well-known philosophers and teachers. Ask your teen the following questions when he/she approaches you with a difficult choice.
1.If you made that choice, how would it help you?
2.How could that choice hurt you?
3.What other things might that lead to?
4.Have you seen anyone else make this choice?
5.How did that choice work out for them?
6.Is there anything I can do to help you make this choice?
2.How could that choice hurt you?
3.What other things might that lead to?
4.Have you seen anyone else make this choice?
5.How did that choice work out for them?
6.Is there anything I can do to help you make this choice?
These questions might seem a bit ridiculous and canned, but you’ll be amazed at your teen’s response. More often than not, you’ll find that offering your teen a platform for logical thought helps them to see their situation in a totally different light. In this way, you’re not only helping them to make the right decision in the moment, but you’re teaching them valuable skills for the future and for those times when you’re not around. You’ll also find that your teen will be more likely to open up to you the next time they encounter a similar situation. Even if it seems like they’ve blown you off or that they just didn’t get it, don’t worry. The chances are that you’ve opened a doorway to another perspective. Just remember that if you offer your wisdom, do so in a non-lecturing way. Consider telling a story of a sibling, friend, or peer of your teen who has made a similar choice as an example, and give your teen the freedom to connect the dots for themselves.
Communication with your teen can be a tricky business, especially if the topic has some emotional severity or a sense of urgency. As lecturing is the number one technique that parents often use to accidentally shut the door to their teen, remember to think of every moment as a teachable moment and employ the useful and sensitive language used by therapists and teachers. When you do, you’ll notice a dramatic change in the way you and your teen communicate.
I wish you and your teen the best of luck as you endeavor to find creative ways to open doors to a positive communication culture. If you have any questions or wish to drop a comment, please contact me at xian@alpineconnection.org, 719.233.8336.
Warmest Regards,
Christian T. Hill, MA